The real deal

Been awhile... My brain tends to write journal entries as my day evolves but I rarely find the time. With the summer right around the corner, I am trying to start structuring my day with time for me. It is more the suggestion of my counselor. Counselor. I am back in an office. Life has been a little trying lately and I knew myself enough to call a counseling office and make an appointment. I've been going for a few months now and we are still in the early stages of getting to know 'me' but she immediately noticed that I spend a lot of time worrying about and caring about others and have a hard time finding time to spend with me. I tried to tell her that I felt selfish but she waved me off and now it is part of my 'homework'. I've gone over and over in my head how to create a blog that serves a purpose to me. I have worried about pissing people off, putting too much out there and at this point, I could really care less. For the last 6 months or so, I have felt like I am standing next to a high cliff....and I keep trying to find things to keep myself from throwing myself off it...meds, counselor, throwing myself into work.... And now this. I'm just going to be real from here on out. My husband and I found out last year...around this time, that the reason we weren't getting pregnant was because we both had issues. Basically my ovaries have ADHD and quit in the middle of making an egg to just start making another one...which caused a whole slew of issues, including weight gain, lack of ovulation and surprise - infertility. My husband also had some issues causing low sperm count. We've spent a bit of money on an operation for him and meds for me. We tried an IU around November with no success. We were gearing up to try again...then hubby's stepfather died quite suddenly after the holidays. We are still dealing with the family issues that follow him failing to preparing a will that matches what he said he wanted for his sons....with suspicious signatures on the will by his wife at the time. We also went through him interviewing and getting a new position at work, me getting a part-time training position at an educational company and now his grandmother is getting ready to pass away. This is where I also mention that hubby and I are both teachers currently trying to get through end of the years tests. Sounds like we don't need kids huh. Dd I mention both of my young sisters are pregnant...? Let me just say that this last sentence is the one that has placed me in a perilous situation with my family. Everyone seems sworn to secrecy to not mention any 'infertility' or baby stuff in front of me....which is hard when you are watching your parents play with the first grandchild...and tell the pregnant daughter how glad they are to both see her eating a lot because she is eating for two. That would have been the dinner that I left at the ending of to go cry in my room for a half hour. I spent the rest of that weekend numb. Literally numb. It was if I had checked out of my brain. I wordlessly got through the rest of the weekend....baby shower and all and was the gracious sister that I should be. Please understand that I cannot stress how important my family is to me. I love my family....especially my sisters. We all had an extremely happy and wonderful childhood. I am an introvert so friends don't come easily...this makes my mom and sisters my first phone call whenever anything happens. They are my support system to the core and I love them so much....which makes all of this so hard. I am in a horrible position of trying to protest myself emotionally but be there for my family. They understand that this is 'hard'....that they can't imagine what I'm going through. But deep down they have no idea what it's like...what it's like to stare at pregnancy test after pregnancy test coming back negative, ironically something everyone prays for while young but dread when they are actually trying to get knocked up. What it's like to collapse on the living room floor feeling like the biggest failure in the world because you can't just seem to do what others experience by 'accident'. What it feels like to take prenatal vitamins for two years for no reason. What it feels like to avoid friends with babies, avoid that section in any store...or dare to hope that it may happen one day. I can't risk that hope. I have school work to do. I can't do it with tears in my eyes. Next time...