Need....mental....break....

My head has been so full of things I have wanted to write about yet when I actually find time....at 7:45 on a Sunday morning....I end up staring at this blank box and wonder what focus I should commit to.

I know I need to write more. As a child and up until about 7 years ago, I was an avid journal writer. I always had a 'diary' where I recorded the events of my life, mused on thoughts that passed through my head and was able to express feelings that would never verbalize themselves in conversation. It was good for me....as someone who routinely has to deal with anxiety and depression, journal writing was a way that I felt I was able to keep in touch with my inner self. Yet, I cannot seem to make that commitment to myself...because I am so freaking busy.

School has calmed down a little....I am beginning to budget my time a little more wisely and get more work done at school without staying really late. The first nine weeks is over....and I am now starting to figure out the kids that know the material and then the kids that are just really good at faking that they know the material. That means it's time for new seating charts and a renewed focus on those kids....and looking for more challenging opportunities for the kids that finish their work quickly or understand the material right away. It's a new fun thing in education called differentiating your lesson....which on paper makes sense....make sure you are teaching your lessons so that everyone is challenged and understands the material. Well, when you have a kid in your room who reads on an 11th grade level sitting next to a kid who read at a 3rd grade level, that can make things interesting....and don't think that I can have the higher kid help the lower one....middle school remember? Cooperation doesn't exist in middle school.

With school beginning to slow down, I am working hard on getting a gym schedule worked back into my routine. I have gained weight slowly as school started and that SUCKS. Like it sucks on so many levels. Everyone in my family is pretty thin and in good shape....I look at pictures of us and I stand out as the one with the rounder figure and face...and I hate it. But with the crazy schedule I have had and the added stress of everything, getting to the gym has not happened....and I haven't been eating healthy either because I've been so freaking busy. I'm being pulled between the 'home' direction so that I can see my husband and dog and cats whenever I can and then school is the other polarizing part of my life...I spend at least 9 hours a day there. I have to start cutting one down...and it really shouldn't be home. I did make it to the gym yesterday and did the treadmill for 35 minutes on constantly changing inclines....let's just say 17 sucks and my legs paid dearly for it.

So here I sit. My husband is still asleep, the dog it sitting next to me and I'm wondering what else I could write. Since nothing substantial comes to mind, here are a few random observations that I just need to get out of my head...

I baked yesterday - a pumpkin roll....and aside from accidentally spilling more lemon juice than what was needed, it actually tastes okay.

Our dog is just getting over a bacterial infection....dogs with diarrhea are not fun to have around....so after $120 at the vet and meds galore, he finally pooped this morning something looking remotely normal....aside from this entry, it has been a highlight.

I am finally getting on a higher level coed volleyball team....one of my friends got together some of the best people we've played with to form a 'super team' for the winter season....while I am probably one of the weaker ones on the team, I know it will help me grow as a player and keep me motivated to improve the shape I'm in. As long as I don't get hit in the face....

The holidays are coming up. While I am excited to see family, it's a lot of traveling and I hate that. I dream of a day where we can spend a holiday in our own house.

I miss my friends back home and wish things were different.


Well, the dog just farted in my face so I'm going to MOVE. And try harder to write.

Up for Air

So I think back to when I was a kid. I grew up in Ohio and going to the pool every summer....and when I say going, I mean living. We were there like, every day. We would go early in the morning, late at night, all afternoon. It's amazing that my blond hair isn't green.

This is going somewhere.

We used to play this game with my mom where she would throw a quarter and we would have to go find it on the bottom of the pool. My sisters and I would scramble, bobbing in and out of the water to try and find this quarter. My lungs would be almost bursting from lack of oxygen from popping up quickly, taking a deep breath and going back under.

That is precisely how I feel at this very moment.

This entry is my gasp for oxygen before going back underwater....the water metaphorically being school, volleyball and staying caught up at home. Not even sleep is a reprieve from my schedule...I end up dreaming about being at volleyball or walking the halls of school, looking for a copier that works. I wake up amazed that my alarm is going off and wonder what day it is. My time online to just screw around and relax has dropped to almost nill, I don't come home in time enough to truly spend time with my husband (who has been amazingly fantastic through my oxygen-deprived days) and I feel disconnected. I don't really have a social group that I hang out with on a regular basis....which is a while other issue we can explore later....so my time online is the way that I feel I can connect to people.

It's very frustrating. I don't even really have time to call people anymore....my family is currently just as busy as I am, my best friend from college doesn't even speak to me anymore (for reasons still unknown...so I have placed him in the asshole category) and my other close friend from college is currently just as..and actually more busy than I am....juggling a PhD program and a child....and dog....etc. Not that I fault these people at all....I am also so freaking busy, to find a moment to talk would be a blessing.....

I just want to find the balance in my life that I know existed. I have too many other things on my mind at the moment to be this busy....there has to be a way.....

Open House Night

I seriously got home less than an hour ago.

I arrived at school this morning at 7:30. I left at 8:42.

It was open house tonight where hmmm....9 parents decided to come out to meet teachers.

Sigh.

I know people work. I know it was raining. I know that some parents don't care.

Seriously though - 9?

There are so many times throughout the school year where I either talk to parents, watch my students, or both and raise my eyes to heaven and thank God that I was blessed with parents that had the good sense to take on the challenge of being good parents. Over the last 8 years, I have lamented with other teachers as to why our job is getting more and more difficult....and every time, the answer comes back to the parents.

When I was 4, my mom was making worksheets for me to read, match colors, shapes, learn to write my letters...she was listening to NPR in the car, she had me watch Sesame Street, Mr. Rodgers and then booted my butt outside where I was left to my own imagination. My mom and dad said NO a lot...but I learned my boundaries. School was extremely important and I was expected to do well...and I didn't want to find out what would happen if I didn't. I was stubborn and probably a total pain in the ass...and I spent a lot of time sitting in the steps thinking about how much I couldn't stand my parents for not letting me wear short skirts, get weird piercings, stay out late with people they didn't know...or get an allowance.

But look at me.

I have a master's degree (almost), I read all the time, I listen to NPR in the car, I appreciate the things that I have because I worked for them. I am an intelligent human being that is successful and self-sustaining. I have the self-esteem to have married a wonderful man and to not let people get to me (too much at least).

I look at my students and after getting over how pissed I am at them for driving me crazy that day, I feel sorry for them. Some of them have parents like mine - that work hard to be PARENTS. That know what's best for their kids and although it's hard and unpleasant sometimes, they make the difficult choices that will help them later in life when they are my age and will appreciate it.

I look at the rest who act up because they want attention. Who go home to all the things that they ever wanted because their parents didn't have the stamina to stand up to them and say no. Who sit in a chair and say ' I don't care - call my mom' because even though I do....they don't have the energy to punish them or don't know how or don't care enough to. I hate those lazy parents....it makes my job harder yes - but these kids didn't choose this...they are like this because you couldn't handle being the adult in your child's life. It was more important that they like you and stopped bothering you.

Sigh. I wonder how long I will be able to do this job.

ARG

Tonight was one of the nights where I wish I had chosen another career path...

While being in my new district has massive improvements over the last one, I have managed to get all my classes under control except my last period of the day. Within that class, is one of the most frustrating groups of children I have ever faced. Honestly, they are all probably fine one on one but the particular mixture of students which I face every day is a nightmare. They all have insane issues with practically everything - they wait until the very minute to which I start speaking to start asking questions, wanting to go to the bathroom, wanting papers they are missing, wanting to talk, wanting to go to their locker....it's absolutely maddening. I have spoken to the class time and time again to take care of these things before they come to class because all I am going to say is NO....yet they continue to drive me CRAZY.

Today I had to deal with one particular lady who has been a reoccurring issue over and over again....not just with me but with other teachers as well. She manages to try to get away with whatever she can in class and then argues to no end about whether or not she is going to do it and the million reasons why she will not.

It's insane....and it makes me want to pull my hair out.

I have spoken to mom, who was very clear in letting me know that she wanted to know if there were any other issues.

Evidently, I was incorrect.

Anyways, class went horribly wrong and there were more lovely confrontations with her, the last of which ended with 'my mom's gonna come up here and talk to the principal and get you fired'...which is where I pretty much lost it and told her that I truly was scared now....

Not the most mature response....but I was DONE

I called mom later to let her know and left a message....she called me back quickly when I first spoke to her so I tried her again when I left school ( at 7:45 at night). I left another quick message asking her to call me....to which she did and the conversation ended with 'I'll be up there tomorrow before school starts'.

Lovely.

Needless to say, I was not in a good mood when I finally got home at 8:45.

I promptly screamed at both my husband and dog and whatever cat was closest and then broke down into a pretty hysterical crying fit....which lasted over an hour, until my husband put me in a bath and made me watch something on Netflix to calm me down.

I feel like I am 23 again - helpless and alone in my first year of teaching - I have not wanted to quit my job again as badly as that entire first year. I got used to being bitched out at my old district but I had been there so long, people knew me and knew that I did everything that I could to help my students and backed me up. Now, I'm somewhere new, where no one knows me or what I do to try and make sure my students walk out smarter than they were at the beginning of the year. I am scared as to what this woman who 'wants my job' is going to bring tomorrow with her nasty nasty daughter. I'm afraid I am going to turn back into the meek, compliant, apologetic person that I was my first year instead of sticking up for myself and taking it to the chest because I know I'm right.

I'm not going to sleep well tonight....

New School, New Outlook on My Job...

It's been awhile....but I felt compelled tonight to write because I made several parent phone calls tonight and ALL of them were good...okay, one was because the kid pulled his jeans down to expose his lovely under-garments....BUT the rest were positive.

As a teacher, it's very hard to remind yourself that the kids that you usually have an issue with have parents that have been hearing this for a long time. I try so very very hard to make as many positive phone calls early in the year (sometimes before I run out of positive things to say) so that I create a 'team' feeling around that child - meaning, both the parent and I are on the 'same side' and the kid won't be able to play one against the other.

This year, I really want to start off on the right foot in my new school and with my new, more active parents. I called several parents and just raved about their kids. They were stunned and so happy and were so appreciative that I had called so early in the year. One of my students, who lost his father last year, was beginning to have some trouble so I spoke to him mom to let her know that I was keeping an eye on him and would do my best to make sure he had a good year. She explained how the last year had been and was just so wonderful and grateful that I had called her. Every phone call ended with me with a smile on my face and a good feeling inside.

I know that these calls are creating 'money in the bank' for later in the year when I do begin to have issues with certain students. And while they take a lot of planning and thought, it is completely worth the time. I want these kids to know that I mean business and there is no way they are coming in and screwing around when we have work to do. I am making the MOST of this year.

The backlash of this entire week is that I am exhausted. I feel like it's my first year again. Maneuvering through new paperwork, new computer programs that DON'T work, different procedures....it's a maze of craziness and challenges. I end up feeling very frustrated, not because of the kids, but because I feel like I am bothering people so much with my constant questions and ignorance to what is going on. I feel helpless and slightly blind...and blind-sighted sometimes....

I am exhausted.

To anyone who reads this who isn't a teacher but has children....please reward your child's teachers (unless they completely suck and don't deserve it) and let them know that you appreciate everything they do, or try to do. There are teacher appreciation gifts out there for a reason!

Good night!

Aftermath of Irene

It's been awhile since I have updated....The week before this one was extremely busy. Aside from being at school and preparing for the upcoming school year, we were also preparing for Irene, the hurricane that was creeping up the coast towards us. Lowe's, grocery stores, drugstores....empty of essentials...bread, milk, ice, anything that could be eaten without refrigeration..as well as flashlights, batteries, etc.

It was crazy to see this happening and honestly, I didn't really understand why everyone was getting so hyped up.

Well, then the storm hit.

I was actually gone for the weekend - my husband was home alone to face the storm with our dog and two cats. I was at a bachelorette party in the mountains, where we experienced rain and some wind but not much else. He, on the other hand, experienced hours of strong winds, heavy rainfall and watching trees and power lines fall as if they were twigs and string. We lost power at some point during Saturday evening...and we have yet to get it back.

I felt horrible for being gone but would have regretted not going. Being Catholic though, it's hard to avoid the guilt of being gone during such a frightening time. When I arrived home on Sunday, I had already stopped at Wal-Mart to re-stock on things that we may need in the coming days. Josh (husband) was already raking the yard of the leaves that had fallen and covered our yard...he had about 12-14 large piles, along with some very large branches. Luckily, the only casualties to the storm were one piece of siding and our power. Everything else was shaken up and the trees are surprisingly bare for just the end of summer, but fine.

While our neighborhood was okay, the roads throughout our county were littered with downed trees, power lines trapped below them, and houses that had fared much more damage than us. For the last few days, we have not done much - schools are either flooded or closed due to electricity issues - we have stayed a night at family's house and go over to shower and cool down in her air conditioning. We've gone to Panera or libraries periodically to charge up the computers or cell phones but there just isn't a lot to do....that we can do.

So this is how I ended up in the neighborhood library. I got one of the last tables on the second floor and am watching the Red Cross pass out free lunches to the people in this community. Everything is charging up and I am cooling down as time passes. I can only hope that our power returns soon...I am in need of some down time with air conditioning in my own home....a shower without driving somewhere...and a refrigerator that doesn't smell like spoiled food.

Sigh....

New school, new atmosphere...same old school supplies

I am EXHAUSTED

It is amazing how much being back at a job you haven't worked really hard at in three months can wear you out. That is why this entry will be short and sweet.

I am THRILLED with my new school and my new school district. Everyone is so positive and helpful. Technology is highly emphasized and there are a TON of resources that we have at our disposal to access it with our students. I have been totally floored in the last few days by the amazing organization and expectations that the people in this district possess. It is just unspeakable how awesome it is.

But I am tired. All three days this week, outside of training, have been spent moving boxes from my house to my classroom, cleaning up the junk from the previous teacher, and unpacking everything....and finding a spot. I find myself doing the same thing that I did when I worked at the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium....just walking around in circles, picking up stuff, placing it somewhere and doing it over and over again.

I am working with what appears to be a fantastic staff so far - I've made a few wonderful friends so far and am so glad that I worked my butt off to get this position. I feel very privileged to be working in my current district and no matter how horrible the kids are, I have a feeling that I am going to be the most happy that I have been in years with my job. I know that all this optimism might change as the year progresses, but I am going in with light shoulders and an open mind!

I will post again soon....but not anymore tonight :) I am falling asleep!